[shaky, selfie style cellphone footage of louis in nora's guest bed]
"Good morning, handsome! No, you're not going crazy. Probably.
I mean that head of yours is a mess, man. I thought I had problems. Yeesh. Well, I guess your problems are my problems now. Huh, Lewis? And vice versa or whatever.
Anyway! You can stop freaking out about the big ol' blank spot in your memory. Bobby Drake is here to help! Don't worry, I'm an X-Man. Which means I'm a professional when it comes to weird shit. I'm also you. And you're me. Confused? Let me break it down...
I'm a super hero. Yeah the spandex wearing kind -- look, it feels better than people think! And I live in your head now. Kinda. We're sharing the driver's seat for one week out of every month from here on out, so get used to it. I left an e-mail that explains a little more in your "Save, Misc" folder. Dude! By the way? I also deleted a lot of your texts so you don't freak out over mysterious messages before I can have this talk with you.
[pulls close to face to show off scrapes]
We had a week. I'll explain the battle wounds in a minute. First, I'm gonna start off with Nora...
Man, she's great. You lucked out with her. Too bad we're not into chicks anymore, huh?
So you spent Monday in a time-warp thingie, created by the Time Gem -- one of six infinity stones, which are basically uber powerful Liberace style accessories. In this time-warp thingie you were married to Nora and it was pretty dope. Until you messed it up. Best not to get into the finer details, but I figured you should know. In case she gets weird around you. Oh. And you had a good relationship with your dad. Thought you'd appreciate knowing that since, what I gleamed from your head, he's a bigger dick than John Holmes here.
[gives pause, then laughs]
I know you just googled John Holmes and you're welcome. You need to loosen up, man. Live a little. Enjoy things. Laugh a shit ton more.
[high-fives the camera]
Always remember that you bagged Spider-Man and I'm proud of you for accomplishing such a sticky feat. Get it? Sticky!
Anyhoo, the Time Gem. Right. It fucked with us some more and turned us into an eight year old. Which was... interesting. I let you handle that because it was funny.
[cracks himself up]
You were eight! And wearing a suit! And saying things like, "Oh dear. My taxes are due!" Or something. Then -- Oh! Our buddy Warren is here. He was on the first team of X-Men with us and has bird wings so, yanno, don't make fun of him for that. He's also really hideous looking. Thank god he's rich. You already know him in this world so, like, when he like 'roid raged out we slid in to help. His tummy was hurting and he kept puking up acid blood and BLEH! It was nasty. But we saved him. With love! It was adorable. Oh, and I guess a bunch of other super powered people helped some too.
DUDE! Some rando big bad guys attacked the city after that, looking for the Time Gem, but we were too small and too sleepy to help so we basically got banged up a bit and carried back into the house by Wonder freaking Woman. Man. It was crazy. I was told you're not going to remember any of this though. So I thought, being the good guy that I am, I'd leave this reminder video. But I'm gonna time it to ping on our phone around Monday so you can get all your Louis-isms out before then...
Point is, weird shit happened and we handled it. Together. That's the way it's going to be for a while now. So. Freak out. Do your Louis thing where you use your full name and write numbers on our walls. And then accept that this is our life now. Nora said it's always going to be weird and something crappy is always going to be thrown at us by mysterious forces. The only choice we have is choosing how we deal with it.
You're not alone in this, Louis. You never were. A lot of my old friends? Are your current friends. They know what you're going through and they are there to help. Trust our friends, Lou. They've all got your back. And now so do I.
Speaking of, you can thank me and Madelyne Pryor for the upgrade to your wardrobe -- don't worry, she's not evil anymore. Neither is Loki, by the way. They were both actually really helpful. So was our Superwifey. And your friendly neighborhood Bi-der-man.
[smiles to himself]
I won't spoil the surprise about who is who. They'll come out to you or they won't. Those are their secrets. Up to you whether you want to tell them about us... if they don't already remember. Just know that Storm warned us about telling too many people about this. Boss lady knows what she's talking about. so be smart with this new secret of ours.
Over the next few weeks, I won't be around. But I know you can handle all this, man. Even the cryokinesis. Which is our super power, by the way. We control ice, snow, popsicles, et cetra, et altum, e pluribus unum. So! If you wake up with snow all over your apartment again? Don't freak. It's you. You can control it. You're Louis Thomas Snow. It's right there in your name. Make it your bitch. Snatch that crown right off Queen Elsa's head.
Meh. We'll work on being gayer too. In the meantime, just remember to find your joy, Louis. That's where our power really comes from. That's the key to controlling... everything. Not math. Joy.
Warren said something to us earlier this week that I think bears repeating now, so:
Welcome to the multiverse, buddy."
[waggles a single brow before the video ends]